There’s an old saying in the business world, credited to a well-know business writer, which basically says it’s better to try to understand than try to be understood. So why do so many people seem to do just the opposite? Hmmm.

My wife and I had recently hired a designer to assist us with a home project. The designer initially met with us and thoughtfully asked us questions as the why we wanted what we wanted and what we hoped the final result would look and feel like. We were uplifted and highly optimistic after this initial meeting; the designer seemed genuinely interested in meeting our needs. When the initial plans arrived, we were surprised to discover what we outlined in the meeting was minimally present in the plans. When we spoke to the designer about this, we were told to simply use them as a starting point, provide our feedback, and then modifications would be made to best address our needs. So we did.

When the second round of plans arrived, we were dumbstruck. In spite of our direct feedback, these plans incorporated none of it…at all. Frustration and disappointment were what we felt. In a thoughtful and carefully crafted email, we expressed our unhappiness with these revised plans, and how our expressed needs were not being taken into consideration. Succinctly put, we felt as if we were not being listened to. And how the designer responded to this only reinforced our experience.

They wrote back that they would be happy to explain to us the reason and rationale behind their efforts, and as to why they did what they did. In other words, they were asking us to understand them better, not to understand us better. Whoa! Wait a minute! What’s going on here? Not once did this person express any desire to understand why we were feeling frustrated. Not once did this person express any desire to want to know more about how we felt our needs weren’t being taken into consideration. What we got instead was an offer to hear them out, to better understand them. Huh?

Let’s take into account this contractor is well respected, had ample glowing references, and clearly had great confidence in the work that they did. They are used to being the expert and probably aren’t accustomed to receiving negative feedback from their clients. So, as often happens in situations like this, the expert will exert their credentials and expertise as a way to bring about understanding. This may be fine for brain surgery, but can backfire elsewhere. And in this case, it did. We ceased our working relationship with this designer and sought assistance elsewhere. Had they only inquired as to why we were frustrated, and taken the time to really listen to what we were saying, we may have continued the relationship. But they didn’t. Instead, they asked us to understand them, not the other way around. And more often than not, this will prematurely end what could have been a good working relationship. So, play it safe. Take the time and energy to understand them, as more often than not, that’s what people want.